Guys, this semester has been hard. It has been hard on me in every aspect. Academically, physically, and emotionally. I am exhausted beyond belief. College is catching up to me and it's hard to keep up.
I came to school in August with a great mind set. I can honestly say I was genuinely happy. I felt real peace and joy in heart over all aspects of my life. I don't know why I didn't expect it to all come crashing down. I mean, the anxiety would have to kick in at some point right? "Everything is going right for now, so it must mean something bad is coming soon." The thing is, it never kicked in. I should've known that God had begun a work in me from the moment I got back here.
I remember telling my mom right before mid-terms that I felt like God was really working on some awesome things in my life. I have a job this year and I have come in from work after a really long day just thinking about how much I love my job. I can honestly say I had never felt that way before.
Then something happened. I let myself slip into the pit of darkness in which my anxiety would have trouble escaping. I am a pretty confident person on the outside. I feel as if I embody the "fake it till you make it" concept pretty well. Then, I lay in bed and shake for hours because the anxiety cannot escape my body. This time of year is especially hard because the weather gets colder, and the time changes to be darker earlier. I know that's hard on a lot of people. For me, I have always had a hard time adjusting to the changing seasons.
The Bible talks about how God uses those that are broken, weak, seemingly unqualified, ugly and rejected people. In Genesis 29, we read about Leah. She is the ugly sister and has lived a life full of rejection. I feel confident in the fact that I am well experienced in rejection. Leah married Jacob and she wanted to be accepted and loved by him so much. She thought giving him a baby would make him love her. In reality, she didn't like herself very much. She wanted to be accepted by the worldly standards of beauty, and of what it meant to be valued.
But, then God shows her her value. Can we talk about that? The God of the UNIVERSE gives us value. She tried so hard after being rejected time and time again but what she really needed was to experience the generosity of a God that loves the unlovable. He saw her pain. Jacob was greedy and wanted a beautiful woman to be his wife, but he got Leah. She felt like she could never be loved, when she was in fact, loved by the very definition of love itself.
As I listened to this sermon, I literally started crying. I felt like I could hear God speaking to me clearly. He was telling me to let go of the things that are weighing me down and making it hard. He was telling me to rest in him, to come to him in my moments of weakness, because God uses that, so that we cannot boast in anything but him. I have been looking for validation in all the wrong places. I'm not going to lie to you, I see couples on campus or in public all the time and I long for someone to care about me like that. They all look so happy. It kills me inside a little bit each time and that's my mind in search of the worldly things. It makes me feel so rejected because I want that so much.
1 Corinthians 1:26 starts out by saying to "consider your calling.." I have been chosen by the God that breathed life into this earth, who gives me the very air I breathe. Before the foundation of the world I have been chosen by him and because of the cross, I am loved and I have worth. I have value. I have value. I have value. I am no longer rejected and broken and weak. I am valued.